HAVING IT ALL

It’s really difficult to sum up what being a parent in recovery means to me.  At times it’s the most fantastic and amazing thing that has given me a new respect for my recovery and a new perspective on life and at other times I feel like screaming with fear and frustration.  I came into recovery with nothing and came to live down south after I did treatment here and found NA.  I found it really difficult to learn who I was, the things I liked to do and what direction I wanted my life to go in.  Through the continuous and unconditional love of friends I met in the rooms I managed to find a sponsor who has guided me through the steps and helped me to take personal responsibility.

I had my daughter when I was just over three years clean.  I had massive expectations that the whole pregnancy would be fantastic and I would be “blooming” the whole time.  Nothing could have been further from the truth and I found myself isolated and depressed.  I don’t know what kept me going at times although I’m sure my higher power does.  After I had my little girl things started to change again.  I felt some of the positivity come back into my life and realised that I was a strong person and that I really could be a good parent.  The fear that had crippled me throughout my pregnancy lifted and things were all right again.

At times I find it hard.  I don’t get too many meetings like I used to, but all this means is that I put more effort into other areas like step work and service.

My saving grace has been the support of other parents who understand what it feels like to be raising a child when you feel like one yourself.  My daughter is a true miracle and I still can’t believe how wonderful she is.   I appreciate that I have been given a second chance at life.  Recovery is the greatest gift and I will never throw that away.   As much as I love my daughter I know my recovery has to come first and sometimes I feel guilty about that but I’ve learnt if I’m not there for myself I can’t be there for anyone else.  It really is possible to have it all.  I love my life, my little girl and her soon–to–be little brother.

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