A RECOVERING DAD’S EXPERIENCE

In Treatment
Meeting my two young daughters after a week in treatment was stressful for all of us.  I felt guilty, shameful and regretful, and wanted to make amends to them as soon as possible.   After the first visit they didn’t want to visit me in the treatment centre again.  I was very sad and hated myself when I was told this by my wife, but I was better able to focus on my recovery in their absence.

Through writing my Step One I found that I had not minimised the damage I’d done to them.  I thought that my addiction had been kept a secret from them and they had been cushioned from the consequences of my using.  In reality they had been neglected, abused and manipulated during my active addiction, leaving them fearful, angry, insecure and emotionally scarred.

Living apart.
When I left treatment for the first time I returned to living with my children and my wife.  This was a mistake for me.  In trying to be a good parent I didn’t devote enough time to my recovery.  I drifted from the fellowship and soon I relapsed and split up with my wife.  After a second bout of treatment I lived apart from my children and was granted only supervised access for several months.  I was bitter and resentful about this at first, but came to accept it as necessary as neither my ex–wife nor the girls trusted me, and with good reason. I found time spent with them overwhelming and easily became anxious.  I felt inadequate, like I should be able to cope, and I experienced a lot of sadness and self–loathing.  It was suggested to me to see them once a week for a set time, as much as I could manage and still keep it ‘quality time’, which I did. They both missed me and were upset at not seeing their Dad often enough. Once a routine was in place and I had shown myself to be reliable, they became much more settled.

Things Improve
My children were initially resistant to me attending daily meetings.  I had to reassure them that they had done nothing wrong, that I loved them and always would and that I had an illness which needed time and effort on my part in order to recover.  I found that being honest with them about my feelings was beneficial, both for them and for me.

Slowly, sometimes frustratingly so, my relationship with them is improving.  I am coping better and beginning to enjoy my time in their company.  Trust is being rebuilt, they no longer seem angry with me and they have a degree of understanding about my illness.  I now have hope for the future, I’m gradually taking on more parental responsibility and my relationship with my kids is steadily improving.

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