A SECOND CHANCE

When I first came into recovery I used to get sad and feel jealousy when I saw other people with their children, because it made me feel loss for the twins I aborted when I was sixteen and it brought up feelings of guilt, shame, remorse and regret that I’d always used on.  I didn’t feel I deserved children and was told that I probably couldn’t have them because of complications from the termination.  I remember sitting in meetings crying for my babies back and sticking needles in my arms and still crying after I’d had the hit, for my babies, my sick, dirty, abused body and for the girl I used to be before I started using.

A couple of years ago I came to a place when I started to feel content and began accepting that I wouldn’t be able to have children.  Shortly after that I found out I was pregnant and I wasn’t suprised when I was told I was having twins.  I was so delighted to be a mother and have felt so blessed and cared for by God.  Sometimes I find it hard, their Dad’s not around and that makes me sad and it’s hard being on my own with two young babies.  I work and try to get to a meeting or two a week, I work the steps as best I can, stay in touch with my sponsor and now sponsor someone else.

Usually I feel gratitude for my life but sometimes that slips away and it can all seem so hard and overwhelming and I think ‘who is this person doing all these things? – that’s not me?’ but it is me now.  When I feel bad I reach out for help, some friends looked after the boys so I could write my step 4 a while ago, then another friend babysat so I could share it with my sponsor.  I’ll ask my Mum to babysit so I can get to a meeting if I’m in a bad space and if she can’t I’ll take my children to a meeting, whether other people like it or not my life depends on it.  I’ve found most people supportive at meetings when I have brought my children, I think it’s just my low–self–esteem kicking in that says that it’s more important for everyone else to get something out of the meeting and I shouldn’t spoil it for them – but I do need to remind myself that I have earned my seat in any NA meeting I choose to go to.

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